We cannot realize true happiness when we entertain nonsense in our hearts and minds. If we truly wanted to be happy, we would not be so eager to sacrifice happiness for nonsense: jealousy, possessiveness, anger, fear or any other function of the ego.
I am forever grateful for you. Life is so much more beautiful now that you are a part of it. I finally have a reason to live, to hope. Since the day that I found you, life has been nothing less than perfect. Although I was insecure and scared at the beginning, for I have never experienced something so sweet, gentle, and pure, you showed me that you were real which gave me all the confidence, all the bravery in the world to take a giant leap of faith with you. You saved me. You saved me from wasting time with another. I was preparing for a lifetime spent all alone. You saved me from myself. Just when I think it’s not possible to love you anymore, I fall harder for you. Deeper. I could never forsake you, deceive you, or hurt you. You are precious. You are the best part of everyday. You are my last, my first, my heaven on earth. My heart used to be stone until you came into my life. Now I smile just because the thought of you enters my mind. My days are brighter. My heart and soul belongs to you. You are my best friend, my teacher, my confidant, my rock, my everything. I appreciate you, I care for you, and I will always love you until the end of time.
About two months ago my life changed.
I will give you a preface and then a watered down, quick version of my life these past couple months.
Two months ago, I was on top of the world. I had a great job as a production assistant at ABC News at the age of 22, I had recently connected with old friends from elementary and middle school, and my life was on the road to great, great change. I was very optimistic and had so much faith that my life was starting to get better.
So I thought…
I grew up in a family with absolutely no men around. There was only strong women playing both roles of “mommy” and “daddy.” As a kid, I felt obligated to become the man that my family never had; the man that held it all together. I grew up wanting to be the good son, the good brother, the good friend, the good husband… the good man. It made me appreciate women and respect women in ways most men don’t know how. I wanted to provide and take care of my family. I’ve been working since age 14 and have kept a job since then. There were only a couple weeks of my life when I was unemployed and that was from moving from Alexandria, VA to San Francisco, CA for college. I love working so much. I love being busy.
In March 2013, I was to receive a big promotion due to an outstanding six month evaluation at ABC News. Most people don’t get a promotion for years so when I was to receive one from interning/working there for months, I was honored. This promotion would provide a very hefty income, lots of great benefits (including amazing insurance coverage and tuition assistance so I could finish my last years of college to get an even bigger promotion), and the chance to get a career in journalism started. I was beyond ecstatic but had to keep my cool. When it comes to me, I have SO much faith in people around me, myself, everything. I can’t begin to explain just how much faith I have. So when I got the promotion, I told myself “YES! I knew I could do it. Yes, I imagined it happening and now it happened!” I remember running home to my Gran telling her about all the benefits, about how my life is going to change, and how I can finally take care of her the way I’ve always dreamt of. It was an amazing time for me.
Two weeks later, I get fired.
Although I can not discuss why, it was a really, REALLY lame reason.
But I can say this:
When I landed internships and great paying jobs at great companies in college in San Francisco, the employers focused more on my talent and work ethic versus looking at a piece of paper that says I am “a master in blah blah blah.” Even when you have that piece of paper stating you are “a master in blah blah blah” doesn’t mean you have the talent or drive to make a company better. I digress.
Like I said before, my life DID change… for the better.
I went into a deep depression. But of course, I didn’t even know I was depressed or stressed because I’m always in a good mood… then my body started reacting to things. I wouldn’t eat (and I am a FAT ASS who never misses a meal), I wouldn’t sleep, my immune system became very weak, I got sick, I got my first ever cold sore and named it Herman, I got shingles, and occasionally broke out into stress hives. In my mind, everything was going to be a-okay and I was not stressed at all but my body told me I was very much stressed and depressed. Everything happening made me turn from one of the most confident men around to one of the most insecure men with a frown (that rhyme was cheesy). Faith in everything seemed to be slowly dying.
I began to get closer to someone during this horrible, horrible time in my life. I fell in love. It wasn’t the easiest decision to let someone in when you have a million problems on your brain.
Fast forward to today.
I am not where I want to be in life, nor do I expect to be there anytime soon, but one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that it’s okay to be human; it’s okay for men to show/embrace emotion, it’s okay to start over fresh. I thought this rut I was stuck in was permanent. I thought to myself “this can NOT be my life.” I felt like I was on a downward spiral to nowhere. But, this rut made me refocus. When I am scared, I live in it, release it, and grow. When I am nervous, I live in it, release it, and grow. When I am angry, I live in it, release it, and grow. Make sure to never forget to channel your emotions because when you don’t, you become scared, sad, or angry for all the wrong reasons.
Sometimes you need an ASSKICKER! This horrible time in my life made me rediscover myself as a man. It was like learning about yourself all over again. It was like going through a maze. So many doors being shut left and right but it made me rediscover a different path, a different approach to my dream. It’s the same dream, just a different way of finding it. I feel like this is one of those fresh starts.
I could not be more grateful for those who have helped me through everything in my life. Little things like being there to talk to, being patient when my moods change, or treating me to this or that. I am humbled, I am changed, and I am ready to get back in that maze. Never lose faith.